Ghost

It’s really gloomy outside and. It feels like the rain is about to fall. The sky is really dark and here I am sitting outside trying to distract myself as much as I can. Honestly, I don’t know what to feel. 2 days before my 33rd birthday and I can say I am thriving.. but if you ask me if I’m happy.. right now I don’t have an answer to that.

6 days have passed since we last spoke. To be honest I don’t know at this stage if there is still an “us”. It’s as if suddenly, you just became a ghost of the past. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t cry but I don’t know if I should too. I hope you’re doing well and I hope if this is the end of it then time is just going to continue to pass and healing is just going to come to me. I promised myself that if this ever happens to me again, this exact same feelings 6-7 years ago, I won’t chase anyone. I will prioritise myself and I would not rely my happiness on a person. I know it’s not exactly the case right now but I feel like I’m doing well on the ‘prioritising myself’ part. 

I don’t know how long this will last and if ever this goes back to what we used to call as ‘normal’, that I would have the same feelings again. Didn’t they say that if you love someone you will not waste a day without them? Didn’t they say that if you love someone you won’t make them feel alone? Didn’t they say that if you love someone, you will always put the bad things aside and try to look at the good things? 

Well I guess what they said was true.

If this is not the indication of ‘I don’t love you anymore’, I don’t know what is.

The rain is pouring now. My eyes are about to pour too. My neighbours light just turned on and I can hear the raindrops touch the surface of the floor. I can feel the scent of a rainy night blending in with the cold breeze. It’s like the weather is trying to tell me to let it out and let it all go.

I feel so dumb right now. Maybe I should’ve stuck to what I promised myself a few years back.

To never fall in love again.