Stranger

Minsan ang hirap no? Someone you love so much is acting like a stranger now.

I don’t know why God is making me experience this pain. These past few days I’ve just been so lonely. Things happened so quickly that it caught me off guard.

Now here I am in tears of what has happened trying to regain what was lost.

It’s deteriorating but I know God is our restorer. He will restore a love if it was meant for His will.

Right now I’m going to be honest and say that I’m still holding on but if I’m the only one, I guess soon I would have to let go. I miss him but..

Why do we fall in love?

 Sometimes you ask yourself, is it worth it to fall in love again?

Is it worth it to experience hurt and feeling alone despit having someone in your life?

I ask myself thart question now as I’ve never felt so alone.

I guess, this is Gods’ way of telling me that he’s there for me despite everyone leaving. 

Despite the person I love ignoring me.

These are the times when I ask myself, why did I even allow myself to fall in love again? 

These are the times when I question why I allow myself to open up again.

This time around though, I won’t beg.

I won’t doubt myself. I won’t be chasing no one because I know my worth now more than ever.

It’s sad to see a love slowly fading away.

I guess, this is it. - G

Is it worth it? A migrant story: Racist to your own kind

 It’s been over a year since I last started writing and it feels so good to finally express myself again. A few days ago, I was struggling and I feel like giving up but then I remember what kept me going. Gods’ promise despite my sins and I was reminded to go back to my first love - writing.

This story that you’re going to read happened a few years ago while I was an intern in a company. I won’t say which company or what sort of company it is as it’s going to be a huge giveaway on who I’m talking about. Haha! This is in no means to humiliate anyone but to spread awareness on racism and to encourage people to stand up in a gentle manner of course.

It started when I was an intern for a few months and I worked with amazing people. My girl boss is cool, my two other boses were fun to be with as well despite their age. Work was fun even if I waasn’t getting paid. Few months into my internship, my boss offered me a role. I was so excited as it was going to be my first legit job in this country. One day though, my bosses invited me to lunch at the third floor of the building. I went and totally forgot that I had a meeting to sign documents that afternoon! The lunch took ages as it was a three course meal. After the first or second meal, I received a call from this person asking if I’m going to down for our meeting. I was flustered and told my boss while I was on the phone that I need to leave as it totally left my mind that I was due to sign the papers that day. My boss heard who I was talking to and told me to tell this other person to reschedule as I need to finish my meal. I was torn as I knew I was in the wrong but my boss was right in front of me so I had to relay the message and hang up the call. Little did they know, the other person on the line already said some unpleasant little comments on the phone about my boss.

The meeting was rescheduled for the following day and I was so scared to go inside this person’s room as I knew this person wasn’t that pleased with what has happened yesterday. But then again, I had to go see this person so off I went. 

When I arrived inside the room, I saw that this person has the same race as me. I sat there and apologised. Before this person gave me the documents, this person made comments along the lines of ‘what if I wasn’t offered a job’, etc. and I was holding my tears in as this person was just bombarding with with nasty comments. This person even said who does my boss think he is. (It was my guy boss who told me to stay during lunch.)

I had enough. I spoke and said to this person: “look, I was offered the job, I didn’t ask for it. If you don’t want to give me the role that’s fine. I don’t care what ongoing issue you have with my boss. I’m just here to sign the documeents.” This person immediately shut up and got me to sign the documents. I walked out this person’s office crying as it was frustrating that a person of your own race is doing this to you.

This was my first racist encounter as a migrant. I have encountered a few more which I’ll share in the upcoming days. Moral of the story: Sometimes you just got to stand up for yourself.

Xoxo, Gennin

She.

She was staring at a blank screen.
Typing and deleting the things she wants to say.
She doesn't want her emotions to get in the way.
It's hard for her but they think she's okay.

She smiles because she's happy.
But when she sheds a tear, in her head she says "it's hurting me".
She tried to let the world know.
But all they did was think she was dramatic, so.

She sad on an empty chair.
Trying to accept the things she cannot.
Is she going to just let it be?
I guess not.

To be continued. xoxo, Gennin

Behind the screens-10 things OFWs don't and won't tell you

Most of the time people would think that you are having the best life possible just because you're living abroad.. wrong.

They also think that you're earning millions and you're always happy and you don't have as much problems as they do.. also wrong.

It's funny how people make assumptions about something so easily and how people become envious of what others have because of the little parts that they see. I used to be one of those people who would think that people abroad are lucky, they are so #blessed and I wished I was one of them.

This blog is not about being ungrateful to God on where I am now because this is what I have always wanted and I will always thank Him for this chance and for all the answered prayers. Instead, I want this blog to be an enlightenment to those people behind the screens. People behind every Facebook messenger, Viber or FaceTime calls.

Here are 10 things OFWs don't and won't ever tell you.

1. They're travelling and taking photos because it's their pause from everything else that's happening.
From visas to immigration fees to costly rents to dealing with cultural differences.. we have a lot of things going on in our head that if we bottle ourselves up in one room, depression is going to swallow us. I'm not even kidding.

2. When they see you on screen, it makes their day.
Most of us when we live close to our families we neglect the free time that we have to spend with them. For people abroad, every second of a call, counts.

3. They have a slight jealousy on every photo they see.
For relationships this might mean seeing their other half sitting next to someone on a photo when that could've been them.
For families (aside from being jealous of not being able to eat their comfort food), it's just about the moments, the birthdays and the laughter that they're missing out on.

4. They send money because they want to, even if you don't need it.
People abroad mostly work to provide. All they want is to see their loved ones getting what they want even if they need to sacrifice theirs. Their sacrifice doesn't burden them because they're doing it out of love, so being sorry for them for doing that is not necessary.

5. A tear or two falls from their eyes more often than not after you press the 'end' button.
Being strong and acting strong is what makes you stay abroad. If they cry, only the four walls of their room would see it. 

6. Their problems.
May it be work related, relationship related, family related, anything. 
They won't tell you because of your response. They won't tell you because they don't want to make you feel bad for them because that's the least that they would ever want. Just always let them know you're there. Sometimes, it's all that matters. Cliche.

7. That going back home is not about giving or bringing material things.
In fact, nothing is.

8. Your words affect them. The distance makes them a tad bit more sensitive.
Your tongue has the power to speak life into them, as the bible says. Use it to both of your advantage. Never compare them to anyone else. 

9. Your stories may it be good or bad makes them feel like they still belong.

10. How much they love you.
I personally became more vocal to my family about how much I love them ever since I left the country. I realised that every human being needs to know that they are loved because every human has the heart to love.

I don't know how to end this so, bye. :)

xoxo, Gennin

Proverbs 18:21 New International Version (NIV)

21 

The tongue has the power of life and death,

    and those who love it will eat its fruit.

P.S. Just in case my family is reading this, to clarify, this is a general blog and doesn't apply to me only. I was thinking about other overseas workers while writing this. K, thanks bye :P

That's okay- just listen. Warning: slightly disturbing content

Here I am scrolling through my phone sitting silently at the corner of the train. I looked up to rest my eyes from the screen then I saw this young lady on the side looking so happy. Her hair was tied up in a loose ponytail. Her eyes twinkled with happiness as she talks about random stuff with her friend beside her. 'It's nice to be young again', I said to myself. For a moment, I thought of how I used to be when I was her age. All I did was study, spend time with family, watch some Meteor Garden (90s people represent. haha) and your usual, eat, sleep, repeat. Life was hard at times but it was fun.

I had these thoughts while I stared at them for a few seconds. Then what I saw hurt me.

She crossed her right leg on top of the other and there it was. Blade marks. Not one, not two, but more than ten of them. I couldn't see if she had the same marks on the other leg but from what I saw, I knew that that girl is going through something. Her blade marks were as long as the rip that you see on your ripped jeans. I had to take a few glances to confirm if it was real. It was.  I wish it was just a mark from a pen but the thin blood clot gave it away. She was wearing shorts on a not so cold winter night which made it more visible. Was it a call for help? I don't know.

Yesterday, a friend of mine also shared this story. His daughters' boyfriend killed himself. 

The guy was seen happy the day before that.

A friend was serving at the mission and this guy came up to her and said, "I almost killed myself last week."

I read from a news an hour ago that this famous Korean actress was just recently found dead. 

Her cause of death? 

Suicide.

Living far away from home for a few years now, to be honest, I know how it feels. I never got to the point where I wanted to commit suicide (Thank you Jesus!), but I know how it feels to keep it all to yourself. 

Hearing these news or stories are not new to me anymore. It's a sad statement to say but at whatever age you are, you don't deserve to be hurt - your life deserves to be lived. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this because I know how it feels to not be okay. I know how one statement, one word, one gesture or even one message can turn your life around. I don't 100% agree that social media is the cause of this. It's us. It's the people surrounding people. I'm not saying I never said any hurtful thing against someone because I have. Starting today, I'm choosing to be more cautious.

To the young lady that I saw on the train, I don't know who you are but seeing you smile despite what you're going through, just proves that you are strong. I pray that you'll find a courage to remain strong. A courage to open up and speak to someone. I pray that your life will become a testimony. 

This experience today taught me the importance of being a listener. You need not say anything. Just listen. If you're reading this and you need someone to listen to, please feel free to e-mail me.
gjustlisten@gmail.com

Your identity will be kept confidential.


Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV)


xoxo, Gennnin
P.S. Thank you mama for always listening to me. <3 
Thank you Love for also always listening to me. haha :P
Thank you thank you Jesus for listening to my mind when my mouth is tired of talking. <3

To the guy who made me smile again

Here I am lying in the middle of my bed typing away my thoughts as the rain pours its heart out outside. I cannot help by smile whenever I think about the little things that you do. Your corny-ness, your cute little smile and your voice that makes my heart beat twice as much.

I know this is cringe-worthy and so not me. Hahaha!!

It took awhile for me to adjust to the new me. Haha! The 'believer in love' me. (Still adjusting. HAHA)

I used to love the idea of love, but never really believed that I'd ever feel it. Ever. 

Days went by and I made a decision to give up on love. They say this and that and almost everyone would have something to say but in my mind and in my heart I was certain, love was not for me.

The only love I know is the unconditional love that Jesus gave us when He died on the cross for each and everyone of us. This love I have felt so strongly in my lifetime and continue to feel until now. I trusted His love to be my only love because I was afraid to get hurt. I was afraid to cry and feel stupid again. In Him I know my heart is safe.

I read from somewhere that this lady prayed to God to take the human desire to love away from her if that's what His plan is for her. I was 29 at that time (last year lang. HAHAHA) and that began to sink into me. So I started praying that. I would normally third wheel my friends (Thank you friends! Hahaha) and I'd witness how beautiful love is for them. Some of them would ask me about it from time to time, so I began telling them about my prayer. I did get some telling off from some of them but that didn't stop me from praying it because I was certain, again, that love was not for me.

And then I met you. (So cheesy HAHAHA or as we both call it "Mais")

You who in my doubtfulness, introduces me to your friends.

You who in my saddest moments, makes me smile.

You who in my craziest, becomes crazy with me.

You who in times I didn't ask, still made time despite your busyness.

You whom I bully and bullies me back.

You who complements me when I'm on my period and I feel like crap.

You who accepted me in my lack.

You who tames my coffee addiction, though sometimes I can be a bit stubborn. :P

You who shares every little achievement with me.

You who makes me feel like "us" is already a mini family.

You who argues with me but tells me to still send our daily morning devotional despite us having one of those "fights''.

You who talks about problems with me and talks about problems to me.

You who taught me how to adjust because I got used to doing things my way. Haha :P

You who ends our day with prayer though you'd often ask me to lead the prayer. :P

You who in my prayer to find a person who loves God, found me. <3

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.