Dear Love

Dear Love,

By the time you're reading this, I will be on a plane home to see you. It's amazing how fast the time goes. We've been through so much and people just don't know it. Love, last year, I prayed and declared that God will give me the person he wants for me. Few months later, I met you.

You are funny and witty and corny at the same time. When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I was a bit hesitant since my past experience wasn't the greatest. But I know how much you love God and that was enough for me to trust you. So.. I said Yes.

You made me kilig again and I know this is cringy and so arte but after all these years, I've never met someone that I click with as much as I click with you. Yihee. Haha!

Love, you make me laugh by bullying me.

My testimony 1: Your favour waits

 Today, it’s announced that we’re on lockdown again for another 2 weeks. I ws scrolling through Facebook after eating dinner and talking to my little brother and I came across a video posted in our Life Central group. The Epic Youth team posted an acoustic version of the song ‘Every little thing’ and I just broke down. I guess it’s true that God can touch you wherever you are. Whether you’re sitting down in your room or in a bus when the Holy spirit touches you, you can just feel it.

The lady sang the first few notes.. “Your favour waits within the future. My dreams are small compared to yours. Why would I worry about tomorrow when I know that all I gotta do is trust you Lord.”

It’s amazing how God can bring one song or whatever it is to let you know that he is with you. You know what, lately, I’m so stressed. I’ve had sleepless nights. I couldn’t sleep til early in the morning and all day I just lie down in bed and sleep. I’ve been thinking about my visa, my move to a separate apartment, my relationship, how to get my partner here.. just a lot of things in my head that I realised I’ve been masking with a smile but after hearing the song, I just broke down into tears as God is reminding me again that all I need to do is Trust HIM and everything will be alright. Lord, thank you. I feel you with me as I am writing this. My parents and family may be far from me but You Lord are with me.

I feel better now after crying. I just needed that reminder from you Lord. I have screen recorded and attached the video beow. Hoopefully the team are okay with it. Such a blessing during this lockdown period. Just a message that I needed to hear from the Lord. <3

I’m dying inside

It’s been six days since we last talked. I miss you so badly.. This feeling reminds me of the time that I was crying so hard for my first love begging him to come back. I hate this feeling. I hate being ignored and not knowing how to contact you. I heard your voice for the first time today when I called your mom. It brought me so much joy. I cannot explain how many tears I’ve shed because of how much I miss you. I know that I just went on a vacation but every silent moment that I have for myself, I think of you. I try to distract myself as much as I can to forget about you but it’s hard.. It hurts my heart so much thinking you of all people would make me feel this way again.. :(

I hope and pray that you’re doing well.. I hope you’re not talking to anyone else :( It breaks my heart so much whenever I think about these things… Thinking about you talking to another woman just hurts me so much. 

I wish we’re back to how we were.. I miss your good morning texts.. I miss watching you eat and watching you throw a kiss at me on the screen.. I don’t know if this is the end of this..

You know what they say about a man ignoring a woman? They said he’s no longer interested..

If you’te not interested anymore,please free me from this pain. 

Know that whatever you decide on, I will always love you even from afar.

I love you tetebuts. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Stranger

Minsan ang hirap no? Someone you love so much is acting like a stranger now.

I don’t know why God is making me experience this pain. These past few days I’ve just been so lonely. Things happened so quickly that it caught me off guard.

Now here I am in tears of what has happened trying to regain what was lost.

It’s deteriorating but I know God is our restorer. He will restore a love if it was meant for His will.

Right now I’m going to be honest and say that I’m still holding on but if I’m the only one, I guess soon I would have to let go. I miss him but..

Why do we fall in love?

 Sometimes you ask yourself, is it worth it to fall in love again?

Is it worth it to experience hurt and feeling alone despit having someone in your life?

I ask myself thart question now as I’ve never felt so alone.

I guess, this is Gods’ way of telling me that he’s there for me despite everyone leaving. 

Despite the person I love ignoring me.

These are the times when I ask myself, why did I even allow myself to fall in love again? 

These are the times when I question why I allow myself to open up again.

This time around though, I won’t beg.

I won’t doubt myself. I won’t be chasing no one because I know my worth now more than ever.

It’s sad to see a love slowly fading away.

I guess, this is it. - G

Is it worth it? A migrant story: Racist to your own kind

 It’s been over a year since I last started writing and it feels so good to finally express myself again. A few days ago, I was struggling and I feel like giving up but then I remember what kept me going. Gods’ promise despite my sins and I was reminded to go back to my first love - writing.

This story that you’re going to read happened a few years ago while I was an intern in a company. I won’t say which company or what sort of company it is as it’s going to be a huge giveaway on who I’m talking about. Haha! This is in no means to humiliate anyone but to spread awareness on racism and to encourage people to stand up in a gentle manner of course.

It started when I was an intern for a few months and I worked with amazing people. My girl boss is cool, my two other boses were fun to be with as well despite their age. Work was fun even if I waasn’t getting paid. Few months into my internship, my boss offered me a role. I was so excited as it was going to be my first legit job in this country. One day though, my bosses invited me to lunch at the third floor of the building. I went and totally forgot that I had a meeting to sign documents that afternoon! The lunch took ages as it was a three course meal. After the first or second meal, I received a call from this person asking if I’m going to down for our meeting. I was flustered and told my boss while I was on the phone that I need to leave as it totally left my mind that I was due to sign the papers that day. My boss heard who I was talking to and told me to tell this other person to reschedule as I need to finish my meal. I was torn as I knew I was in the wrong but my boss was right in front of me so I had to relay the message and hang up the call. Little did they know, the other person on the line already said some unpleasant little comments on the phone about my boss.

The meeting was rescheduled for the following day and I was so scared to go inside this person’s room as I knew this person wasn’t that pleased with what has happened yesterday. But then again, I had to go see this person so off I went. 

When I arrived inside the room, I saw that this person has the same race as me. I sat there and apologised. Before this person gave me the documents, this person made comments along the lines of ‘what if I wasn’t offered a job’, etc. and I was holding my tears in as this person was just bombarding with with nasty comments. This person even said who does my boss think he is. (It was my guy boss who told me to stay during lunch.)

I had enough. I spoke and said to this person: “look, I was offered the job, I didn’t ask for it. If you don’t want to give me the role that’s fine. I don’t care what ongoing issue you have with my boss. I’m just here to sign the documeents.” This person immediately shut up and got me to sign the documents. I walked out this person’s office crying as it was frustrating that a person of your own race is doing this to you.

This was my first racist encounter as a migrant. I have encountered a few more which I’ll share in the upcoming days. Moral of the story: Sometimes you just got to stand up for yourself.

Xoxo, Gennin

She.

She was staring at a blank screen.
Typing and deleting the things she wants to say.
She doesn't want her emotions to get in the way.
It's hard for her but they think she's okay.

She smiles because she's happy.
But when she sheds a tear, in her head she says "it's hurting me".
She tried to let the world know.
But all they did was think she was dramatic, so.

She sad on an empty chair.
Trying to accept the things she cannot.
Is she going to just let it be?
I guess not.

To be continued. xoxo, Gennin